That time again

I feel like writing, i feel like expressing myself… still nothing comes out when I take my time to sit down and do just myself.

Life is a big rollercoaster.. you can’t be happy all the time, and when I’ve been happy for too long something has to happen, I just know, I can feel it.


Sometimes I feel like crying, for no reason but to cry. The sad part is that people around won’t stop asking whats wrong, and when I get that question too much I start feeling like everything is wrong… everything and every time I get that question it gets worse… Can’t I just cry because I want to? Because that makes me feel good.. at least until the headache kicks in.

And sometimes I cry because you make me… because I freaking love being loved and cared for and when I feel lonely and abandon I cry.. I’m such a baby.


Time to smoke, ease the pain..



I’m sitting here trying to come up with something to write, I have so much to say but for some reason I don’t feel like I can be honest.

As soon as you open up you give people a chance to judge you on a more personal level..

I used to be able to say that I didn’t care what anyone said or thought about me, because I’m been used to be judged. Lately I haven’t been able to recognize myself, what is up with all the liking needs and hashtags on insta? I’m proud of my photos and they are freaking awesome, but since when did I start seeking this confirmation?

The life in america has gotten to me…
2016 was my worst here ever, I just found out that it wasn’t over.
I feel like such a weak person who doesn’t deserve better, i feel sorry for myself as if that would help, just because no one else cares. There are no surprises anymore.. you get what you deserve and i must be the worst.

Again now I’m writing this, with honesty and I’m sure someone will ask whats going on, or sit quite behind their screen and judge without words.

They say we all deserve happiness, and that its the law of attractions, but i’m too tired to pretend to be happy when i’m not, to be social when i’m not, to be false when i’m not.


A recovering alcoholic

(This is my unedited article originally written for my University newspaper The Cougar Chronicle. )

My relationship with alcohol started when I was around 13 or 14. It was there for celebration, for heartbreaks, in secret and out loud. For god’s sake it has such impact on me that I became a bartender when I was 19. Little did I know that I was about to lose control over it.

At the age of 21 I was in Bali with my sister, alcohol was there too.
Beer, daiquiris, vodka-Redbull and tequila shots, each glass didn’t cost more than $2
One night at the five-floor nightclub I’ve had enough.

Finding myself in the bathroom not able to go back out to dance or drink – it all went black


I woke up the next morning in the hospital, alone.

Some strangers had gotten me into a taxi, taken me to the hospital and made sure I was safe. Who were these people? Sadly but forever grateful, I will never know.

One would think I had learned my lesson, but when spending the night and morning with IV no hangover to be worried about, I was ready to get back to my dear alcohol and so I did.


Not even six months later I had moved to Norway and gotten myself a new job. Excited for the first company party, all the new co-workers and the free alcohol that was going to be served, I forgot to eat dinner.

The forgetfulness of a meal would come back to haunt me only hours later…

Rom and coke, my favorite of all time drinks together with tequila shots laid the way for disaster.

Told back to me, this is what happened…

One of the security guards comes up to my friend and tells her that it seems like her friend has had too much to drink, and to get her out.
Outside the bar where the party was held I apparently vomit on a co-worker. Not being able to get contact with me they called the ambulance

I woke up the next morning in the hospital, alone.

“No, not again” my panic started to rise; boy did I make a fool of myself last night.


One would think that I had learned my lesson, but a 21-year old girl doesn’t learn that easy. My depression progressed after that and alcohol was still with me. It gave me courage at least that’s what I thought I was.

Last Halloween I met alcohol again. Last Halloween I fought with my boyfriend. Last Halloween I got punched in the face. Last Halloween I did learn.


Alcohol, after 14 years I’m breaking up with you. Alcohol you are not nor were you ever good to me. Alcohol, I can’t handle you. Alcohol we’re done!

International women’s day

(this is my unedited piece originally written for The Cougar Chronicles)

Sat down thinking about International Women’s Day and stunned by the fact that we still need to have this special day to celebrate the achievements of women, everyday should be women’s day.

With the United States new president this day becomes even more important this year because with his new ruling our society is basically moving backwards in advancement. Yes I’m talking about the defunding of Planned Parenthood. Who’s genius idea was that?

Do you know how much shit you have to go through as a woman? We have to argue over the right to our own bodies, universally we don’t get equal pay for the same job as a man, we can’t show our nipples on pictures on social media, and we need to have one day a year to be celebrated on. Let me explain.

The constant debates on whether or not she can have an abortion are maybe the biggest issue. How is this not her choice and her choice only? Men who think they have a say in this topic should go back to bed, this doesn’t concern you.

How can we still not have equal pay for the same job? This shouldn’t be debatable either, if the work is the same, so should the paycheck. It is called equality progress.

On social media men are posting photos of their abs with their nipples showing but if a women does it get removed for breaking the rules. For god’s sake it’s just a nipple, WE ALL GOT EM.


It has been over 100 years since the first International Women’s Day, yes you read it right, one hundred years and we still need this day. To highlight the social, economic and political achievements of women. Back then it was for the workingwomen, today it is for every woman and we need to start celebrate women every day, why you ask?
Because we f*cking rock girls !!


I might sound like one of those awful feminists that you hate, but if you just like me believe in equality between genders then my friend, you are a feminist too!

Which is a good thing, embrace it, and own it !

Being called a feminist should not be a curse word and because it has become one people associate it with negativity and unshowered hairy old women, which are only a handful compared to the amount of people calling themselves feminist but we so often forget about because their voices aren’t as loud.

It is long over due to start empowering girls all around the world… every day !

Girl you rock and you know it !



Finally I went to the movies again, way too long since I’ve seen a new movie, I should probably just write about any movie/tv show I watch. 

Any who, late on Friday night I went to the movies to watch the movie Split. It is a horror/thriller, I got some of the same chills as from the Sixth sense when I first saw it, x years ago.

Storyline; a guy kidnaps three teen girls, it turned out the guy has multiple schizophrenia and has as many as 23 different personalities in him.

Hats off to James McAvoy (you may have seen him in some newer X-men movies), he portrayed the role really good. I was super impressed with how he manage to give each personality its own traits, he had different facial expressions and body language for each.

Unfortunately I was super excited before I saw the movie, so I was expecting more. I wanted to be more frighten.  There were different cues throughout the movie that made it more interesting tho, the therapist/psychiatrist had interesting views on people with multiple personalities, which at least made me open my mind for yet another potential for future human development. Watch it and see for yourself.


4/5 is the grade I give it.


I sort of liked writing reviews on the movies I watched throughout the fall semester, so I thought I could just continue writing about the movies I watch..

I was home for christmas and went to the movies with my sisters, after much deliberation on what we were gonna see we decided to watch Arrival, with Amy Adams in the lead.

(pic from google)

Overall I thought the movie was sort of draged out (1h56min). The movie was about aliens arriving to earth and the human race trying to figure out why. We get presented with the whole process of interaction with the aliens… that sort of looked like huge hands and fingers.. anyway I liked the movie but not because of the details of the interactions or the scenery of choice but because of the message… Humans need to work together !

When we keep dividing one another between us and them we create hate, fear and an unhealthy competition. We are all humans, born within imaginary lines that separate me from you, mine and yours. What we forget is that we come in to this world without anything, and the same way will we leave it, because nothing can come with us when we die. Still somehow we believe its important to collect as much stuff as possible during one lifetime.. kind of ridiculous when you think about it..

Anyway, back to the movie and the message of it, near the end its on the edge of war with the aliens and possible between countries too, the ones wanting to fight the aliens and the ones  not wanting to fight them. The aliens tells us that we need to unite in order for humanity to survive. When we work together we find solutions and when we don’t thats when war and disputes start. Unfortunately the whole movie was almost over before the message actually came across, but I liked it.. and I hope people who watch this movie also likes it, and thinks about what that really means!

week 14: Maya Lin – A Strong Clear Vision

The last blog post for this semester…

This week we watch a documentary biography about architect and artist Maya Lin. She is the creator of the Vietnam Veteran Memorial, Civil Rights movement fountain memorial and Women’s table at Yale university.  Her life seemed to have been an incredible journey, from winning the contest to create the vietnam veteran memorial at the age of only 20, and then having to fight for her idea and vision for it.
I think her struggle for her vision was that some people wanted something else not only because she was born from Asian parents but because there had been 1441 contestant I believe and so of course people will want to have a say and try to change things because they don’t like it. I however believe that art will always provoke, not every one but some. But I also believe that that is what art is suppose to do, because we all have different opinions based on our different experiences.

When I was watching the documentary I of course started crying, Im too emotional, but seeing how much this monument really meant for the veterans as they cried on the spot and personally thanked her I couldn’t hold my own tears back.
I liked that her creations were made so that people could interact with it and in that way become part of the art. Her choice of use of water and its representation was also brilliant and it then got people involved just like she wanted.
I think Maya Lin is a great architect and sculptor, with a genuine heart and passion for her believes and respect for others. I hope I’ll be able to see some of her work in real life on day.


week 13: Ai Weiwei – Never Sorry

Wow Weiwei!!

This Chinese artist is incredible, maybe one of my favorites from the artists we been looking at throughout the semester. It was not just his amazing large scale artwork that i liked, although the one show he had with the exhibition of the backpacks representing the children who lost their lives in the earthquake was awesome, I loved his role as an activist. His constant work to preserve free speech and bringing democracy to china. I really like how he used his art work to take a stand. To really commit to a cause. It is almost scary how little we (or at least I) know about china and their government and the country in general,.. it is so big and it has such influence yet we don’t give it much attention. I’m not surprised over the police brutality, every American should be pretty familiar with that. Its sad that it is such a thing that we have in common.

Throughout the movie and the more we got to know Ai Weiwei, the more I felt that he is this really passionated artist with no limitations. He said in the end of the movie that he thinks there is a responsibility for any artist to protect freedom of expression, and I could not agree more. Our governments should hide things from the people and we shouldn’t have to be afraid of them, but if they do (and they do) thats when we need people like Weiwei, that can show us the secrets. This movie also emphasizes on how powerful social media ( in this case Twitter & his blog) is in our society, what impact it has on us, and what changes it can bring. Which is why the Chinese government shut down his blog.

I liked that Ai Weiwei didn’t call himself fearless but rather more fearful than others, and because of that he acts more brave then others, he then said that he knows the danger is and if we don’t act the danger becomes stronger, I thought that was powerful. Because if the danger increases, so will the fear in people, and people who is afraid are much much easier to control. Hence, government want frighten people because they won’t resist.

I really really liked this documentary about Ai Weiwei, so much so that I’m about to watch a second film about him that is also on Netflix, called Ai Weiwei; The fake case.

week 12: Te Ata

On Thursday night I attended California’s American Indian & Indigenous Film Festival. I decided to go and watch the movie Te Ata.

Yet another movie that is based on a true story.. this time the story of an native American woman Mary Francis Thompson, also called Te Ata, after needing a better stage name. As a Indian name Te Ata of course has a meaning; barer of the morning. I liked that the movie had historical accuracy such as the Chickasaw nation where Te Ata was from, were unwillingly forced in to becoming part of Oklahoma state. Te Ata travelled America with a performance group, telling the stories of several different native tribes. The life as an artist opened her eyes to a life of meaning, spreading knowledge about the Indian culture, performing in front of both the presidents and royalties.

The more i learn about the native American culture the more interested I’ve become.. the injustice that that people have had to go through is disgraceful. We often forget about them due to all the other hatred that is going on both in this country and in the world. The white man has always seem to go wherever and taking whatever, with no thought of the people that will end up suffering. Because of that a lot of culture has been lost.
What i like best about indigenous people is the way they interact with nature, the way they make use of the naturally resources we got instead of the “man created” resources. I guess we could all learn a little something, caring for our nature is vital for our survival. Too bad not everyone believes in global warming and climate change.

A couple of quotes from the movie followed me back home…
“People are afraid of what they don’t know” – Douglas Johnston (governor at the Indian territory).  This quote bares nothing but truth… the human race has always been afraid of what they don’t know, and that is why we’ve gotten divided because we chose not to listen to each other, we are to afraid of what the other one might say,… especially if that person looks or acting different from ourselves.

“being Indian is not a crutch, its an advantage” – Mrs Davis (also later said by Te Ata). I’m a little unsure if I got the quote completely right but it went something like that. I liked it because its so motivational, we shouldn’t see our differences as something bad, but instead use the advantage of knowing something someone else might not and being able to spread that knowledge..We are all different and we shouldn’t be ashamed of who we are.

“Make the unknown, known” – Dr. Clyde Fisher (i believe it was him who said it…) this one ties back to my first quote… and I keep liking these sayings because they are about spreading knowledge.. and it is so important that we do, because we need to fight ignorance, we need to stop fearing one another.

I also came to realize that the native American culture seem to have had very strong and confident women, something we really don’t see in a lot of cultures.. it was inspiring to see how devoted and determined Te Ata were in her life journey, she was a female figure we should highlight and let other girls be inspired by.
(required selfie.. really need a new phone.. my front camera is taking way to blurry photos)

A world free from hate may be far off, but a world a little less mean is a goal we should all work for.. our future generations depend on it.

week 11: The Sapphires

Based on a true story, doesn’t that sentence always make you a little more intrigued?

The Sapphires is a film that shows a lot of mixed cultures. I’ve enjoyed most of the movies we’ve watched so far and this one is no exception. I really like soul and jazz music. Sad fact tho that the aboriginal girls had to sing that genre because of their skin color. Even sadder fact that we still have such strong racism going on in our world. (of course keeping the u.s election in mind).
Back to the movie,  I liked the history part, you got to see part of the war or troops that you don’t normally see in all these war movies that has been made on the Vietnam war. The performance part, and the non fighting part I mean. The happy times in those violent times, kind of give it a nice contrast. Although I rather see a world without any war anywhere. What else.. love love love the accent of the Aussie aboriginals, just as Whale Rider it brought me back to when I lived down under. Crazy how the aboriginals got treated too, with the light skinned ones being taken from their families and raised as “white”, like what does that even mean? How can people have been so cruel, how is it that some have it so hard to accept people who doesn’t act or look like themselves. I just don’t get it. And that so much hatred is put on the people who originated on those lands makes it all more crazy… Another thing I liked was all the love stories in the movie, like the one between Dave Lovelace and Gail.. don’t want to spoil too much there so I’ll leave it at that. Last but not least is that I actually liked that they sang white western music first, I thought it was a cool contrast, sad that our stereotypes are the way they are. sapphires-movie-review_05212012_103139.jpg