That time again

I feel like writing, i feel like expressing myself… still nothing comes out when I take my time to sit down and do just myself.

Life is a big rollercoaster.. you can’t be happy all the time, and when I’ve been happy for too long something has to happen, I just know, I can feel it.


Sometimes I feel like crying, for no reason but to cry. The sad part is that people around won’t stop asking whats wrong, and when I get that question too much I start feeling like everything is wrong… everything and every time I get that question it gets worse… Can’t I just cry because I want to? Because that makes me feel good.. at least until the headache kicks in.

And sometimes I cry because you make me… because I freaking love being loved and cared for and when I feel lonely and abandon I cry.. I’m such a baby.


Time to smoke, ease the pain..



I’m sitting here trying to come up with something to write, I have so much to say but for some reason I don’t feel like I can be honest.

As soon as you open up you give people a chance to judge you on a more personal level..

I used to be able to say that I didn’t care what anyone said or thought about me, because I’m been used to be judged. Lately I haven’t been able to recognize myself, what is up with all the liking needs and hashtags on insta? I’m proud of my photos and they are freaking awesome, but since when did I start seeking this confirmation?

The life in america has gotten to me…
2016 was my worst here ever, I just found out that it wasn’t over.
I feel like such a weak person who doesn’t deserve better, i feel sorry for myself as if that would help, just because no one else cares. There are no surprises anymore.. you get what you deserve and i must be the worst.

Again now I’m writing this, with honesty and I’m sure someone will ask whats going on, or sit quite behind their screen and judge without words.

They say we all deserve happiness, and that its the law of attractions, but i’m too tired to pretend to be happy when i’m not, to be social when i’m not, to be false when i’m not.


A recovering alcoholic

(This is my unedited article originally written for my University newspaper The Cougar Chronicle. )

My relationship with alcohol started when I was around 13 or 14. It was there for celebration, for heartbreaks, in secret and out loud. For god’s sake it has such impact on me that I became a bartender when I was 19. Little did I know that I was about to lose control over it.

At the age of 21 I was in Bali with my sister, alcohol was there too.
Beer, daiquiris, vodka-Redbull and tequila shots, each glass didn’t cost more than $2
One night at the five-floor nightclub I’ve had enough.

Finding myself in the bathroom not able to go back out to dance or drink – it all went black


I woke up the next morning in the hospital, alone.

Some strangers had gotten me into a taxi, taken me to the hospital and made sure I was safe. Who were these people? Sadly but forever grateful, I will never know.

One would think I had learned my lesson, but when spending the night and morning with IV no hangover to be worried about, I was ready to get back to my dear alcohol and so I did.


Not even six months later I had moved to Norway and gotten myself a new job. Excited for the first company party, all the new co-workers and the free alcohol that was going to be served, I forgot to eat dinner.

The forgetfulness of a meal would come back to haunt me only hours later…

Rom and coke, my favorite of all time drinks together with tequila shots laid the way for disaster.

Told back to me, this is what happened…

One of the security guards comes up to my friend and tells her that it seems like her friend has had too much to drink, and to get her out.
Outside the bar where the party was held I apparently vomit on a co-worker. Not being able to get contact with me they called the ambulance

I woke up the next morning in the hospital, alone.

“No, not again” my panic started to rise; boy did I make a fool of myself last night.


One would think that I had learned my lesson, but a 21-year old girl doesn’t learn that easy. My depression progressed after that and alcohol was still with me. It gave me courage at least that’s what I thought I was.

Last Halloween I met alcohol again. Last Halloween I fought with my boyfriend. Last Halloween I got punched in the face. Last Halloween I did learn.


Alcohol, after 14 years I’m breaking up with you. Alcohol you are not nor were you ever good to me. Alcohol, I can’t handle you. Alcohol we’re done!

International women’s day

(this is my unedited piece originally written for The Cougar Chronicles)

Sat down thinking about International Women’s Day and stunned by the fact that we still need to have this special day to celebrate the achievements of women, everyday should be women’s day.

With the United States new president this day becomes even more important this year because with his new ruling our society is basically moving backwards in advancement. Yes I’m talking about the defunding of Planned Parenthood. Who’s genius idea was that?

Do you know how much shit you have to go through as a woman? We have to argue over the right to our own bodies, universally we don’t get equal pay for the same job as a man, we can’t show our nipples on pictures on social media, and we need to have one day a year to be celebrated on. Let me explain.

The constant debates on whether or not she can have an abortion are maybe the biggest issue. How is this not her choice and her choice only? Men who think they have a say in this topic should go back to bed, this doesn’t concern you.

How can we still not have equal pay for the same job? This shouldn’t be debatable either, if the work is the same, so should the paycheck. It is called equality progress.

On social media men are posting photos of their abs with their nipples showing but if a women does it get removed for breaking the rules. For god’s sake it’s just a nipple, WE ALL GOT EM.


It has been over 100 years since the first International Women’s Day, yes you read it right, one hundred years and we still need this day. To highlight the social, economic and political achievements of women. Back then it was for the workingwomen, today it is for every woman and we need to start celebrate women every day, why you ask?
Because we f*cking rock girls !!


I might sound like one of those awful feminists that you hate, but if you just like me believe in equality between genders then my friend, you are a feminist too!

Which is a good thing, embrace it, and own it !

Being called a feminist should not be a curse word and because it has become one people associate it with negativity and unshowered hairy old women, which are only a handful compared to the amount of people calling themselves feminist but we so often forget about because their voices aren’t as loud.

It is long over due to start empowering girls all around the world… every day !

Girl you rock and you know it !



Finally I went to the movies again, way too long since I’ve seen a new movie, I should probably just write about any movie/tv show I watch. 

Any who, late on Friday night I went to the movies to watch the movie Split. It is a horror/thriller, I got some of the same chills as from the Sixth sense when I first saw it, x years ago.

Storyline; a guy kidnaps three teen girls, it turned out the guy has multiple schizophrenia and has as many as 23 different personalities in him.

Hats off to James McAvoy (you may have seen him in some newer X-men movies), he portrayed the role really good. I was super impressed with how he manage to give each personality its own traits, he had different facial expressions and body language for each.

Unfortunately I was super excited before I saw the movie, so I was expecting more. I wanted to be more frighten.  There were different cues throughout the movie that made it more interesting tho, the therapist/psychiatrist had interesting views on people with multiple personalities, which at least made me open my mind for yet another potential for future human development. Watch it and see for yourself.


4/5 is the grade I give it.


I sort of liked writing reviews on the movies I watched throughout the fall semester, so I thought I could just continue writing about the movies I watch..

I was home for christmas and went to the movies with my sisters, after much deliberation on what we were gonna see we decided to watch Arrival, with Amy Adams in the lead.

(pic from google)

Overall I thought the movie was sort of draged out (1h56min). The movie was about aliens arriving to earth and the human race trying to figure out why. We get presented with the whole process of interaction with the aliens… that sort of looked like huge hands and fingers.. anyway I liked the movie but not because of the details of the interactions or the scenery of choice but because of the message… Humans need to work together !

When we keep dividing one another between us and them we create hate, fear and an unhealthy competition. We are all humans, born within imaginary lines that separate me from you, mine and yours. What we forget is that we come in to this world without anything, and the same way will we leave it, because nothing can come with us when we die. Still somehow we believe its important to collect as much stuff as possible during one lifetime.. kind of ridiculous when you think about it..

Anyway, back to the movie and the message of it, near the end its on the edge of war with the aliens and possible between countries too, the ones wanting to fight the aliens and the ones  not wanting to fight them. The aliens tells us that we need to unite in order for humanity to survive. When we work together we find solutions and when we don’t thats when war and disputes start. Unfortunately the whole movie was almost over before the message actually came across, but I liked it.. and I hope people who watch this movie also likes it, and thinks about what that really means!

restroom problems 

I’m not a big fan of reading or watching the news because they are to bias in my opinion. either it’s being bias to the left or right I don’t care, journalism should always be without personal biases however a very few number of journalists writes without their biases. 

anyway lately I’ve notice it’s this huge argument about the gender bathrooms n are transgender people allow to use either bathroom… and all I can think is.. who the fuck cares?  if u have such major problems that a man might walk in then maybe u should go home and go to your on bathroom… I mean why make such a big deal about it… 

it’s getting overboard with all these absurd Instagram mems… there’s way bigger issues than which restroom to use in our world.. and I think it’s sad that we put so much focus on this topic.. can’t share a bathroom then pee in your own home.. as simple as that! 

we can’t walk around worried that every transgender person is gonna be a pedofile n go in to women’s restrooms just to take pictures… like wtf kind of way of thinking is that? 

stop expecting the worst ! 


too hungry to function too tired to eat

Im really tired of school now… so tired Im considering being done… theres never a job guarantee after college so why am I doing something I don’t love?

Unfortunately theres only a handful of stuff I really love..which is probably why I get bored and quit all the time.. I have no passion… except one, but smoking weed for money is an very unlikely job to find. But holla at me if u find one.

Considering moving to Amsterdam, and just work in some shop and thats it… why can’t I have the life of being content and not caring? Seems to be the norm in the western world.. fuck only the thought of that makes me angry.. So why do I care? Im so sick and tired of caring, and I’m so over it.. wheres the check out counter?

No time to write

Im sitting here again… last minute school writing… another midterm that is due in 6 hours and I haven’t started… 6-8 pages.

Being away from my man is whats keeping my mind busy….this frustration… the struggle is real;)
I’m all about sharing but this topic is gonna stay away from the blog.. all in all, I miss him. Every day.

So the paper… yeah… about to get started on it any minute now… I know I can write it, I’m that confident about it, its just getting started thats the worst part. Inspiration and my writers flow where are u? Time for another hit.. maybe it’ll make me creative.

I haven’t even had the time to write about the terror in Belgium… Im not sure I want to comment on it… I mean what is left to say? This constant repetition, how hard is it for people to just dig a little deeper?
I want to say we have to pray for our world, but Im not that religious.. and maybe its more about doing something(!) instead of just sending out happy thoughts… I mean pray all u want but we need to take action!
People who doesn’t know history is bound to repeat it… yes this is not my words.. its a quote Im sure many already have read. First its a great quote, so so true, second why do we keep making the same mistakes? don’t we f*cking learn history in school? Why do some people choose to ignore it? It is driving me crazy!
U.S government paying for ISIS, probably so we can keep being busy with this western terror attacks and forget or continue to ignore the arabic terror that is going on, or the animals dying in Africa, and kids too for that matter, or to forget global warming.. if anyone has even started to worry about that?

Sometimes I feel people are so ignorant I wish we have a world disaster so we can get ride of some of those asses.



All night long

Its getting closer to 7.30 in the morning here, and I haven’t gone to bed yet… yes your thought is correct, I have a paper due midnight and been up all night trying to write it… I have 3 pages, 2 more to go. I got this !

I seem to always do my school work in the last minute, and I don’t know why that is… however my last paper that I finished just hours before it was due resulted in an A for the grade so thats a positive outcome, and I seem to do my best work last minute, so why change a working system?

Any who, its getting close to breakfast time and Im getting hungry…

Bye for now.